The End Of An Era
I decided to go out to lunch today for a change. I don't do that as much as I used to. It used to go without saying that at lunch time I'd be down there, reading my book, smoking and playing Keno. Part of what changed that was not being able to smoke there anymore. The other part was, things were changing.
When I go down there now, it's like stepping back in time. It's like it would be if I went back to G'burg and went to happy hour at the old place. It isn't "my" place anymore. It's not "our" place anymore. New people are the regulars now, having replaced us like a new cast in an old show. We're just the old hasbeens who would look foolish to be there again. It would be like going back to high school, acting like I had any right to be there at my age, trying to re-live days gone by.
As I sat there reading today, I heard the voices of a group that came in and sat at "our" table. Our happy hour table. So many nights spent there with so many different people. I heard them laughing and ordering drinks, gearing up for fun times. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and see who had replaced all of us. Who the new people were. The ones who would be having fun, laughing, sing bad Karioke and stay much later than they should.
I quickly finished my lunch and paid my tab, knowing it was time to go. Knowing our time had passed, in more ways than one.
It's been my mood the last few days. The feeling that something has ended. The feeling that an era has ended. And I find myself trying to decide how I'm going to enter this new era. What old parts I want to keep and which ones I want to cast off of me like old smelly clothes that don't fit right anymore.
I've decided that biggest (no pun intended) part I intend to cast off of me once and for all is my weight. It has really hit me the last few days that I am fat. Truly, without a doubt, can't deny it anymore, fat. Now if you saw me, you'd think "Really? You just realized that?" No. I didn't just realize that. It's been a fact of my life since 4th grade. The difference is, I now accept it. I've denied it, tried to hide it, rationalize it and thought if I didn't mention it no one else would notice. Right. Well, it's time for it to go. I am fully aware that I am never going to be skinny. When I watch movies or TV shows and see young girls with their narrow flat stomachs, I know it's something I'll never have. It's a loss. It's an experience I will never have. I just want to be less fat. I want to shop in any store I want to, not just the "specialty" shops. I want to take my boy to the amusement park and not worry if I'll fit on the ride or worry it's going to break because of my size. I've never let my size stop me from doing whatever I've wanted. Its been a part of me too long to do that. If I had, I would have had no life. But, it's time to let it go before it does start defining me. It's not who I am or what I want to be.
When I stood up to leave today, I thought to myself, "Take care of her. She's a special spot in a special place." I pictured myself saying these words to our replacements. But instead, I did that half-assed smile as I walked past the table. Partly because I knew I would never say anything, partly because they weren't our replacements. They were an older trio there to have a bite to eat. And I realized its not a special spot and not a special place. It's just an ordinary table in an ordinary local restaurant.
And I knew. It was the end of an era.
When I go down there now, it's like stepping back in time. It's like it would be if I went back to G'burg and went to happy hour at the old place. It isn't "my" place anymore. It's not "our" place anymore. New people are the regulars now, having replaced us like a new cast in an old show. We're just the old hasbeens who would look foolish to be there again. It would be like going back to high school, acting like I had any right to be there at my age, trying to re-live days gone by.
As I sat there reading today, I heard the voices of a group that came in and sat at "our" table. Our happy hour table. So many nights spent there with so many different people. I heard them laughing and ordering drinks, gearing up for fun times. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and see who had replaced all of us. Who the new people were. The ones who would be having fun, laughing, sing bad Karioke and stay much later than they should.
I quickly finished my lunch and paid my tab, knowing it was time to go. Knowing our time had passed, in more ways than one.
It's been my mood the last few days. The feeling that something has ended. The feeling that an era has ended. And I find myself trying to decide how I'm going to enter this new era. What old parts I want to keep and which ones I want to cast off of me like old smelly clothes that don't fit right anymore.
I've decided that biggest (no pun intended) part I intend to cast off of me once and for all is my weight. It has really hit me the last few days that I am fat. Truly, without a doubt, can't deny it anymore, fat. Now if you saw me, you'd think "Really? You just realized that?" No. I didn't just realize that. It's been a fact of my life since 4th grade. The difference is, I now accept it. I've denied it, tried to hide it, rationalize it and thought if I didn't mention it no one else would notice. Right. Well, it's time for it to go. I am fully aware that I am never going to be skinny. When I watch movies or TV shows and see young girls with their narrow flat stomachs, I know it's something I'll never have. It's a loss. It's an experience I will never have. I just want to be less fat. I want to shop in any store I want to, not just the "specialty" shops. I want to take my boy to the amusement park and not worry if I'll fit on the ride or worry it's going to break because of my size. I've never let my size stop me from doing whatever I've wanted. Its been a part of me too long to do that. If I had, I would have had no life. But, it's time to let it go before it does start defining me. It's not who I am or what I want to be.
When I stood up to leave today, I thought to myself, "Take care of her. She's a special spot in a special place." I pictured myself saying these words to our replacements. But instead, I did that half-assed smile as I walked past the table. Partly because I knew I would never say anything, partly because they weren't our replacements. They were an older trio there to have a bite to eat. And I realized its not a special spot and not a special place. It's just an ordinary table in an ordinary local restaurant.
And I knew. It was the end of an era.
posted by Denise | 3:12 PM
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1 comments
