It Is Time To Write Again

I just don't know where to start. Too much going on in my head that wants to spill out through my fingers. I just don't know if I have the energy anymore to sift through it all. Too many songs speak to me as they never did before. Too many random thoughts that never appeared before seem to be trying to tell me something of significance, but its as if they are speaking a foreign language that I'll never find an interpreter to translate them for me.

To say my life changed for the worse two years ago is a gross understatement. It has been a downward spiral that seems to be gaining with momentum. Each time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, someone blows the fucker up and darkness prevails once more.

I exist. I do not live anymore. Each day is a day, nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing to look forward to and very little to look back on. I trudge through each day; the muck around my feet getting thicker and deeper. It saps every bit of my energy to get through it each day. But trudge I must. Don't mistake me - I would never do something as stupid & senseless as to leave this world. Too many people depend on me and I'm not ready to give up. I just want the life I'm existing in to change. If only I had the proper tools and knowledge to know what to do and how to do it.

So I trudge and I exist. I'm famous for saying that you have to live life to its fullest; that life isn't a dress rehearsal and that you don't get do-overs. I just need a start-over. A makeover. Something.

Song Of The Moment - Part 3

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries leftwith cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
~Stone Sour

Next Song Of The Moment

This week's song of the moment happened before Friday. This seems to say it right now:


Raining In Baltimore

This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call


I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call


These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way


I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat


And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same


There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?


I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns


I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat


Counting Crows

Song Of The Moment

I'm starting a new Friday tradition. My "Song of the Moment"....


I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
How do you feel?
That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of folks
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins, contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you, yeah
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you, yeah
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you, yeah yeah
Who are the stars?
Who are the stars that lie?

Stone Sour

Here's To You and Here's To Me...

Well, the year from hell is coming to an end. Thank you God!

This has been a year of major personal loss, economic breakdown and a general feeling of "What The Fuck!!" for pretty much everyone. I have never heard so many people say before, "Thank God this year is almost over!"

May everyone stay safe, have fun and think major happy thoughts for the New Year.

It can only go up from here, guys!

Be cool my babies!

Blog Description #5

"The next year will go by whether you make a change or not. So you might as well do something now."
Dr. Phil McGraw

How Much More?

To add insult to injury to the year of 2008, my aunt died unexpectedly Friday evening. This was after hearing on Thursday that my sister-in-law's sister's mother-in-law died after a long illness. So I was already going to have to go back to the funeral home my Mom was at anyway. Then Friday evening, I get a call from my uncle that I needed to get up to the house right away. My first thought was that some new drama had ensued between the housemates. When he told me my aunt (who was 57) died, I said "WHAT?!?!?" This same response was uttered each time a new family member found out. Granted, my aunt had significant health issues, but she plugged along like the rest of us pretty well. In fact, I had just spoken with her the day before. She was so upbeat and excited about a new doctor she was going to and was excited that she might actually be pain free for the first time in 25 years. How's that for a kick in the ass? This close to being pain free for the first time and dies the next day. She laid down for a nap late Friday afternoon and never woke up. I have to admit, there wouldn't be a better way to go, in your sleep in your own bed without the turmoil of an extended illness. I also have to admit it gives you reason to pause each night before you go to sleep.

My son said to me on Saturday, "Mom, no offense, (of course when someone says this first, it's never a good sign) and, Mom, really, no offense, but you are running out of life!" I asked him what he meant. He said, "well, your Mom died and your Aunt died, so you can't have much life left!" I told him, "sweetie, I intend to be kicking it for a long time. I'm just running out of relatives!"

I told my other Aunt and my Uncle Friday evening, "Look guys, I'm out of parents and running short of Aunts & Uncles, so if you two could stick around for awhile, I'd really appreciate it! In fact, I'm going to have everyone sign a 2 year committment contract that they won't die anytime soon. If they do, I have permission to lift them up and kick their ass!"

So Saturday I'm back at the funeral home to help with the arrangements for my Aunt. Sunday I was there for the viewing for the other person. Saturday we got to see my Aunt before they sent her out to be cremated. My Aunt and the other person were in the exact same spot as my Mom. Doesn't exactly give you warm fuzzy feelings.

It is now T-minus 26 days until we leave for our cruise. If you are looking for me on the boat, check the bar. For one whole week, I'm not going to be anybody's anything.

Needless to say, this fucking year needs to end.